Let's have a heart-to-heart.

Dear sixteen year old self,

First off, I want to apologize. Your life isn't going to work out the way you're dreaming of.  Right now, you're aspiring to ditch this place and move to California so you can try to get into doing makeup for horror films.
    I have no idea how you thought it was feasible. You're working at Target, and you're wasting your money on whatever you can. You're not really paying attention in school.
You know what?  It happens.  You're a dumbshit teenager, and that's okay.

Things aren't that bad right now. You don't really need to whine so much. Your hormones are going nuts, I know.  Everything seems magnified, because of it. Your parents are on your case because they know you're awesome, and they want you to live up to your potential.
Your best friend moved away, and how dare her dad do this because you two are so annoyingly inseparable and how are you going to live without her?! She's become a rock star, so it actually worked out really well.
  Honestly, no one gives a shit what your classmates think. I know you're starting to realize that. You're gonna get your high school yearbooks back, years from now, and you're gonna wonder who the hell signed them. You've got a lot of people declaring their adoration for you, along with a generic "HAGS," and you won't have a clue who the fuck they were.


Broaden your musical horizons, PLEASE. You'll be so much happier and well-rounded when you finally do.

You're putting so much unnecessary pressure on yourself. You're trying to be perfect in all the wrong ways. When your art teacher says that you're shrinking, she means that you're obviously being an idiot about it. I'm still trying to figure out how or why that happened, but don't let it take control of your life. You're so much better than that.

I know you're having a hard time with what happened to Tasha, too. Right now, that wound is very raw, and I know it hurts. All I can say about that, is that it'll get better over time, and that this will help put a lot of things into perspective for you. Suicide sucks, and that's the best I can put it. Now you truly know. It's okay, sweetheart. You will be alright. Trust me.

Please try to apply yourself in your interests. Push yourself harder, and don't give up. You don't get to Carnegie Hall without practicing, even if you suck at first.

You're going to kiss a few figurative frogs, and you're going to come across the poisonous kind, too.  It happens, but you can't be an idiot about it. Don't settle for any dickhead that will give you attention because you crave validation. Stay the fuck away from any man who doesn't respect you. You will meet your prince, trust me. You know how you have that 'type' that you've always been looking for, but where the hell can you find that kind of guy because everyone else sucks? Guess what? He's real, and he loves you, too.

I'm sorry to drop this bomb on you, but you're going to have a baby in a couple of years. You never would have guessed it, I know. She will certainly complicate things, and she will change your life forever. But she is amazing, just like you are. She even does that weird squinty eye thing you sometimes do when you smile, only she makes it look cuter.  You're going to do a lot of growing up in a short period of time. I don't want to give too much away, but please be safe. Please be smart.

Also, I'm sorry that you're gonna be living in this same city you've spent your whole life in for a while. Shit happens.

There are some really cool things about being an adult, too.
Your parents are going to be your closest allies. Seriously, they're cool as shit. You already know that, but yeah. Your brain is kind of derp right now.
Having the freedom to do what you want is pretty baller, too.  It won't be the kind of freedom you think you're going to have, though. You don't want to end up like one of those shallow, vapid whores, anyway. You already know that. You're going to find great joy in doing simple things, like being snuggled up on the couch, turning your phone off, and Netflixing.

I know I've given all of this advice to you in vain, because you're gonna do what you're gonna do, anyway.

And you know what?

If you didn't, you wouldn't be the person I am today.  You're kinda cool, and you need to hear it.

Love,
Me

BOOM.

What have I been up to lately?

As of this current moment, I'm sitting on my couch, sipping on coffee, and listening to the sweet voice of my pride and joy trying to decide on a pretty dress to wear for the day.  The wind is assaulting the trees.  The sun occasionally creeps past the clouds and through the blinds.  I'm cuddled up in my sweetheart's hoodie, feeling his heart close to mine as his lingering scent on the cloth intoxicates my soul.  I soak in the moment, and I smile.

Over the past couple of months I have been working hard to get to where I am now.  I am so blessed.  Seriously, I feel like such a lucky girl.  I feel free to do what makes me happy.  While I haven't felt inspiration to write in a while, I have felt inspiration to grow as a person.  I'm reading books again.  I'm playing with fabric, needles, and thread.  I'm learning how to cook delicious things.  I'm working at being the awesome person I know I am.

In the future,  I imagine just how wonderful things can get from here.  I'm actually excited to know that life can be really cool, and it'll just keep getting better from here.

And now, here's a list of what I am not doing right now:

• Meowing at old people
• Making a paper mache sculpture of Bob Ross
• Playing tether ball
• Fishing for carp
• Drawing a picture of Darkwing Duck
• Yoga
• Stealing road signs
• Combing my eyelashes
• Being miserable

simply

amazing.

Scrutiny

Have you ever felt like everything you do is being carefully examined under a microscope?  It's like someone is nitpicking all of the insignificant details, without looking at the objective, and making an illogical hypothesis. 

That's what my life has been like lately. 

What you deem to be your personal business, is no longer yours.  You're scared to do something seemingly innocent because you know that you will plummet into a heap of deranged criticism.  You don't feel like your motives are wrong.  You know that your heart is good, and your intentions are pure.  Miscalculate one breath, and you're an awful person.

Try to escape a tyrant, masquerading as a saint.  The physical being becomes that voice in the back of your head, beating your conscience into submission.  Those venomous words resonate in your mind.  You try to argue back.  Your convictions scream, and you try to muster up every bit of courage to let your mouth mirror your thoughts.  No, you just stay silent.  It could be because you know how much worse you'll make it if you don't comply.  It could be that you're not allowed to be audible. 

Would you run into a fire that has already scarred you beyond belief?

[and now you know that you can choose to lose the part of your heart where your insides bruise]

Maybe this is a residual effect of the pathetic sap I made myself out to be in my teenage years.  In a way, I kind of brought this upon myself with my submissive and naive nature.  It's a matter of learning how to grow, so you're too big for it to swallow you.

Don't be fucking stupid, Katie.

.freedom.can.be.frightening.if.you've.never.felt.it.

I have been thriving lately, and it's such a good feeling.  I find myself smiling a lot more, and the world just seems so much more vibrant, now.  I'm so excited so the way things can turn out. 

but then.

There's that annoying, shrill voice in the back of my head that tries to make me feel like a piece of shit for indulging.  You went out with your friends?  SELFISH.  You bought a six pack of beer, and it's sitting in your fridge?  ALCOHOLIC.  You're letting your words spill past your lips?  BITCH.  You enjoy being called beautiful?  SKANK.  Why would you even dare doing any of these things, outside of work and parenting?  How could you?  You're so retarded and irresponsible. 

Has that ever happened to you?  It seems as if you're being grabbed and scratched, and you're trying to kick your legs free from the dark shadow that wants to pull you back into misery.  [memories of the last fight to free yourself]

Almost tempted to give in.  Almost.

    Yet, I know better.  I'd like to think that I'm older and wiser.  I'd like to think I have built up an adequate amount of strength from what little life experience I do have. 

When I am tested, I falter, but still attempt to hold my ground.  That counts, right?  Right?   

I refuse to be miserable.