enamored.

I look at him, and I question whether or not he's real.

It bewilders me. 

• How can a real person be that stunning?
• Does he have me under some sort of spell?  Is he magic?
• Why am I so drawn to him?

an enigma, wrapped in bacon. 

Perhaps, the element of mystery is what is so enticing.  My curious mind has stepped into an uncomfortable zone, in which I don't experience often.   When I say uncomfortable, I really mean it.  I kind of want to slap the shit out of myself for thinking like such a crazy person.

i hope he thinks i'm pretty, too.

creativity crisis.

While I'm doing this whole reconstruction of myself, I'm trying to think of things I'm good at, and I really can't think of anything worthwhile. 

People tell me I'm creative, but I never figured out how they would come to that conclusion.  I used to believe that I was a creative person.  Then I got to thinking- Did I lose my creativity, or did I even have it in the first place?  I was never amazing in art class.  I can't draw or paint.  My clothes are plain.  I don't have an ounce of musical talent.  I'm not even super witty.

I also put humor in the creativity category, because well, why not?  I really try to associate myself with funny people so that way I have more opportunities to laugh.  I was recently told that I'm not funny.  I took it a bit personally, probably because he said what I was thinking.  (My self-esteem isn't high yet.  Don't judge me.)  All my life, people have been telling me I'm funny.  Once I hear otherwise, my brain goes to panic mode.  How long have I been unfunny for?  Do other people think this, but are too nice to tell me?  WHY AM I SO AWKWARD?!?!?!?!
Shut the fuck up, Katie.

I have such a high value on the characteristic of creativity, and I'm quite envious of those who exude this quality. 

It's like in American Beauty, where Mena Suvari's character fears being ordinary.  Kevin Spacey's character validates her because he wants to get in her pants, obviously.  We all know that she had no personality, and was just a shallow, vapid whore. 
I don't want to be like that.

I fear being ordinary/boring.  I'm afraid of having no talent for something amazing.  Yeah, I wanna be like a goddamned special little snowflake.  Maybe I can just trick myself into thinking I'm all artsy and cool, when I'm really not.  Just like a hipster, of course. 

"The goal isn't to live forever- It's to create something that will."  I don't know who the fuck coined that phrase, and I'm too lazy to go through all the effort to open up a new tab in my browser to find out.  Don't you fucking judge me.

dreams/sacrifices

Do you remember a time of hope?  Where your dreams don't just swim around in your head- you had a chance at making them your reality.  When the world was your stage to shine, instead of being your conspirator.  Do you recall a time of being able to seize the moment- seize your life, captivate the world with your glory?  Was there ever a time you knew you could make it happen?

what happens

    when that dream

                                   expires?

You think that if you work hard enough, that you will be able to see the fruit of your labor.  Part of you still clings on to that glimmer of hope. Maybe if you work harder.  SMILE WIDER.  Laugh longer.  At what point do you break down and realize that no matter what you do, it's simply not in your control.  You realize that you just aren't good enough.  Do you clutch on to that daydream of self-improvement and exhaust yourself, trying to outdo yourself?  Or do you surrender and let the candle burn down to the wick?  What the fuck do you do?  Is this in your control, or do you really suck that much?

Maybe if you would just fucking apply yourself.  LOVE STRONGER, WORK MORE,  Clean meticulously,  Keep everyone happy, then just maybe you'll be okay.  Do you keep reaching for something that's out of your grasp?  Should you even muster the effort in doing so? 

How fucking important are YOU, in comparison to everyone else?  Are you the lead role, a supporting member, or an extra?  Do other people's happiness equate to yours? 

Make more sacrifices.  Give yourself up.

You're not that goddamned special.